Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Jersey Shaken to its Core by Radicals

Controversy is thick on the ground as the recently founded party Reform Jersey begins to make its mark on the political scene. The radical-Communist-Feminist group has caused a stir by openly supporting gay marriage, paid maternity leave, and earthquakes. Government officials in the other Channel Islands say that the situation in Jersey is “out of hand”.

The recent spike in earthquakes amidst debates over gay marriage and maternity leave has aroused a great deal of suspicion. Many hold Reform Jersey personally responsible while a select few blame Tom Jones. When asked if Tom Jones frequently causes earthquakes whilst on tour, one devoted fan said:
“It’s not unusual.”
Tom Jones was unavailable to comment on this issue.

An unaligned States Member said of Reform Jersey:
“If they get their way, pregnant women, earthquakes and gays will abound. What will Jersey become? There will be nothing left to rebuild.”
When asked about the party’s policy on earthquakes, a member of Reform Jersey who wished to remain anonymous said:
“As a whole, we support earthquakes and will back any legislation which is pro-earthquake.”
 Even the 4.2 magnitude earthquake, said to be one of the biggest in Channel Island history?
“We wouldn’t support one earthquake and not another. That would be discriminatory.”
 So did Reform Jersey have anything to do with the recent bout of earth-tremors?
“No comment.”
Many people are upset by the general lack of response by the government to the series of natural disasters which has shaken the Islanders both literally and figuratively. In the worst affected parts of the Island there remain scenes of utter devastation; roof-tiles loosened, fences knocked flat. After today’s tremor, one resident stated:
“The government have taken no prevential measures whatsoever. This is the third time my fence has come down. Someone could have been hurt.”
Those most affected by the unrelenting wave of earthquakes in recent days are calling for July 12th to be known as ‘Jersey Earthquake Memorial Day’.

L.A. Maison

The Poster for the Memorial Day Campaign

Saturday, 8 March 2014

How Many Women Is Too Many Women?

It's International Women's Day! The day when we think about women, the things they do and the problems they face when trying to do these things. One pertinent issue at the moment is the representation of women in the media. Are they fairly represented? And if not, what can be done to amend the way women are portrayed in television, film, and other mainstream outlets?

One technique used to measure female representation in film is the Bechdel Test, invented by significant woman Alison Bechdel in her comic-strip 'Dykes to Watch Out For'. To pass the Bechdel Test, a film must meet all of the following three criteria: 
  1. It must have at least two women,
  2. With names,
  3. Who talk to each other about something other than a man.
Surprisingly few films pass this simple test, particularly in Hollywood. Examples of films which don't pass are 'The Social Network', 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II' and 'Avatar', to name but a few. So clearly the question we must ask ourselves is: how many women is too many women? 

In the top 100 grossing U.S. films of 2011, women made up just 33% of all characters, and even this was an increase of 5% from 2002. Suffice to say, this is not representative of the number of women in the real world, but are we perhaps approaching the problem of female representation in the wrong way? Dr Charles Henri Auviniste, prominent expert in gender politics, gave the following analysis:
"We seem to spend all our time thinking about how to amend media so it is more representative, but I do not believe that this is the answer. Bearing in mind that most of the important people in the world are men, including most filmmakers, I think the answer would be to amend women so they are representative of the media."
So what does he propose?
"A cull on women."
This is a new and previously unexplored avenue for improving media representation. If women make up 33% of movie characters, then the population should be amended to match this statistic. If women make up only 17% of extras in street scenes, then only 34% of the female population should be allowed out of the house at one time. If the statistic improves, then more women can be allowed to live and walk the streets.

Similarly, if the majority of films fail the Bechdel Test, then the test should be invalidated by banning women from communicating with each other unless it is regarding a man; and preferably their failure to understand his manly ways. If they want to discuss shoes or bags or something which isn't a man, then the other woman should try to avoid replying if possible.

Regarding the issue of the objectification of women in the media, Dr Auviniste proposes that women try and 'own it' by wearing skimpy clothes and posing in front of any available men:
"So you see, rather than putting the pressure on important men who have other things to worry about, they can actually solve the issue of female representation themselves, and become sexually empowered in the process."
He realises that the prospect of pushing for fairer representation may seem daunting when there is such a disparity between representation and reality, but he offers these words of encouragement to female activists:
"It is an uphill struggle, but if solid structures are put in place to reduce the number of women in our society then we will, slowly but surely, create a fairer society for everyone. And what better time to begin this struggle than International Women's Day?"

L.A. Maison

'Bridemaids': A Film with too Many Women

Thursday, 6 March 2014

Deputies' Opponents Celebrate Future Victory

While the friends and supporters of newly elected Deputies Nick Le Corny and Som Mezec celebrated their win last night, a strange scene unfolded in the enemy camp. I infiltrated their base expecting to find them nursing their grief, only to see them opening a bottle of champagne, cheering, singing, and more than happy to welcome me into their midst.

Confused by what was happening around me, I asked one merry-maker what this party was in celebration of. He replied:
"We are jubilant over the downfall of Le Corny and Mezec!"
Though I was loath to ruin their excitement, I pointed out that Le Corny and Mezec had just succeeded in being elected to the States. The man looked incredulous and said:
"Yeah, but they won't necessarily get in next time. And even if they do, they'll probably lose at some point."
They then toasted to the Deputies' eventual downfall. I spoke to other party-goers, including one man with multiple personalities who kept arguing with a woman in his head. He told me:
"Mezec deserves a chance, but that doesn't mean that we can't celebrate our future victory in advance. Mezec's a little Communist bitch! Shut up, Sue."
I spotted the host nearby and took the opportunity to excuse myself. I told her it was a nice party and she angrily took me to one side and said:
"Let me make one thing perfectly clear. We don't have parties in Jersey, and we don't want parties in Jersey."
I left the celebration moved and inspired by their unquellable optimism and relentless determination. If sheer perseverance could win the day, Le Corny and Mezec's opponents would have claimed their victory long ago.

L.A. Maison

Wednesday, 5 March 2014


The election results are through. The people have spoken, and militant feminist-Communists Nick Le Corny and Som Mezec have been elected into the States. The people of Jersey are warned to watch out for legislation promoting rights for women and poor people. Don't let their innocent exteriors fool you.

Congratulations Nick and Som. It's time for change.

L.A. Maison

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Jersey's Meritocracy Under Threat: 3/3

For those of you who don't know, a Meritocracy is a system whereby people are judged on their merits; their qualifications, intelligence etc., rather than any extraneous socio-political factors such as class, gender, race, sexual orientation, religion or appearance. Jersey is a model Meritocracy, where people are only appraised on the basis of their skills, and there are no structures in place to prevent discrimination because there is no need whatsoever.

Unfortunately there are some who would endanger this with their notions of 'positive discrimination', welfare and unearned privileges, namely Nick Le Corny and Som Mezec, who advocate 'political reform' and toy with dangerous and radical Left-wing ideas. However, it may be that Som Mezec in particular poses more than simply an ideological threat to the Meritocracy, as new information has reached me suggesting that Mr Mezec has been using his hair to win votes.

There has been some controversy regarding Mr Mezec's appearance because of his long hair. Some of his opponents are offended by it, and have even gone so far as to call him a 'girl'. One politician offered the following commentary:
"While many voters will be seduced by the candidate's quasi-feminine appearance, some will use it to degrade him. They call him these names to insult him, for as we all know, there is nothing worse in politics than being a girl."
According to a reliable source, on the 15th February Mr Mezec knocked on an elderly woman's door, and was told:
"Oh, you're beautiful! You've got my vote!"
This, along with other similar anecdotes suggests that the majority of voters find the young candidate's looks beguiling. Voting for Mr Mezec's appearance is outrageous at best, but if one voter has already declared her allegiance for this reason then how many more will follow?

Some of the electorate seem to genuinely believe that Som Mezec is not a young, long-haired man, but in fact a beautiful woman. As a result of this, he stands out from the other candidates in the St. Helier 'sausage-fest' and may even win the female vote. In short, Mr Mezec may benefit from positive discrimination, winning because of his androgynous allure and not because of his policies, which is against everything the Jersey Meritocracy believes in.

For the comfort and assurance of the St. Helier electorate, I have it on good authority that Mr Mezec is in fact a man and not just a woman masquerading as a man:
"I've known Som for a long time now, and I can assure you that he is definitely a man. And WHAT a man. Vote Mezec!"
Mr Mezec has been told by many to cut his hair, but refuses because he knows it gives him an advantage. Inevitably, the only way to undo the threat to Jersey's Meritocracy is to pin him down and forcibly shave his head so he blends in with the other candidates.

L.A. Maison

Som Mezec must be pinned down and forcibly
shaved to protect the Meritocracy

Monday, 24 February 2014

Jersey's Meritocracy Under Threat: 2/3

In the previous post I discussed the Meritocracy in Jersey as described by St. Helier nominee Maureen Morgan, and the disruption that positive discrimination could cause to the stability of this system.

As a passionate advocate for women's rights, feminist-Communist candidate Nick Le Corny poses the greatest threat to Jersey's Meritocracy. In his speech in Church House he talked about gender equality and said:
"What [people] are concerned about essentially is the 'glass ceiling'. I, as a Socialist, am much more concerned about, where is the floor? Where is the floor for working-class women? What equality are they going to have?"
When he mentions 'the floor' he is using a double entendre; on the one hand referring to the limited opportunities available to working-class women in Jersey, who are suffering at the hands of the patriarchal class-system to such an extent that they are too unintelligent to locate the floor in their homes, often becoming confused and upset when they are unable to walk up the walls.

His other meaning is a metaphorical one; that working-class women are trapped at the very bottom of this socio-economic system because there are no structures in place to support them. When a poorer woman in Jersey has a baby, she can't go back to work because she is unable to afford childcare, and there are very few provisions available which would enable her to do so. But not all the residents of St. Helier are so concerned about the situation at hand:
"Working-class women should only be worrying about the floor if it's dirty."
It goes without saying that in a Meritocracy, if women want to be able to afford childcare, then they have to work harder and get better jobs. If this is not happening then they aren't working hard enough. By the same token, if only 23% of States members are women, it is evident that only half of Jersey's women deserve representation.  It is not the government's place to intervene, and yet Nick Le Corny insists that "[women] must struggle, and men must help them."

Ms Morgan is not concerned about the alleged gender disparity, but nonetheless proposes an alternative solution:
"I'd like to say thank you very much to Nick Le Corny for saying that we need more women in the States, and I take it that means he's going to stand down and let me get in."
This is certainly one possible method of amending Jersey's lack of female representation in parliament, and it would also protect the Meritocracy from meddling Communists, demanding class mobility for women who are perfectly happy staying at home and looking after their children. Ms Morgan offers no solution for the other issues raised by Mr Le Corny, but instead champions the Meritocracy; a strong believer that people get what they deserve.

One St. Helier resident was horrified at Mr Le Corny's suggestion that there should be more women in the States and in the 'boardroom':
"By what means? By what means will he be bringing these women into the workplace? Are we to simply pull them in off the streets? "Hey, you're a woman, come and work in our boardroom!" Is that how it's going to be?"
A well considered point from one frustrated voter.  Another voter asked:
"If Le Corny loves women so much, why doesn't he just become one?"
People are alarmed and scared by Mr Le Corny's propositions. If he is elected, there is every possibility that people will no longer be judged by their individual merits, but by their gender. Should Mr Le Corny have his way, Jersey will be ruled over by stupid, incompetent women. A vagina is not a qualification. Don't let feminism get in the way of a perfectly good Meritocracy.

L.A. Maison

A vagina is not a qualification

Friday, 21 February 2014

Jersey's Meritocracy Under Threat: 1/3

In a recent speech given in Church House, St. Helier nominee Maureen Morgan addressed the issue of positive discrimination, following militant feminist-Communist Nick Le Corny's obscene declaration that "there should be more women in the States". In response to this statement, she said:
"It's going to surprise you to hear that I'm actually against the idea of positive discrimination of any sort."
Ms Morgan says that she wants to live in a 'Meritocracy', where people are judged by their abilities and not by their gender, class, ethnic origin, or sexuality. One might argue that this is an obvious ideology for someone with her abilities; as a professional psychic, she has a vested interest in ensuring people acknowledge her powers before they make assumptions about her gender. However, she went on to say:
"We could take it to the next stage, that we would have positive discrimination for black people. There are not so many black people in... well, there are none in the States."
It was an interesting issue to raise, and certainly one worth considering since she is the only woman running in this by-election. If there are so few women in the States and in high powered jobs, then it must be because the women of Jersey simply aren't very intelligent. The same goes for black people. The State isn't responsible, and that is the unfortunate, but inevitable consequence of a fair and just society.

However, Ms Morgan believes that Jersey's Meritocracy is in fact under threat:
 "Are we going to get to the point where all jobs have to go to black, one-armed lesbians?"
A very serious concern, but I spoke to one black, one-armed lesbian living in St. Saviour who has some words of comfort for Ms Morgan.
"I really don't think she has anything to worry about. I've been living here for years and I still don't have a job. I want to be a lawyer but no firm will employ me."
This might sound tragic, but she does not believe that her unemployment is the result of discrimination, and she remains optimistic:
"No, it's not discrimination. Definitely not. When I go to a job interview the first thing the employer asks is where I'm from, and we have a great conversation about St. Saviour and how much I loved growing up there. Then when they notice my missing arm, they're very considerate and ask what happened. When I tell them that I had an accident on a lesbian ski-range they say, "You're a lesbian? That's great!" It doesn't hold me back. The reason I'm unemployed is because I was never the right person for the job."
And how does our St. Saviour resident, who wishes to remain anonymous to protect her job prospects, feel about the idea of 'positive discrimination'?
"I think it's ridiculous. I'll get a job because I'm clever and qualified. I'd be offended if someone chose me just because I'm a black, one-armed lesbian. I don't apply for jobs that I have no chance of getting, and no, I wouldn't run for election because I'm clearly not the sort of person who should be running an island."
In the U.K., we have a system whereby someone with a disability is guaranteed a job interview regardless of whether the employer feels they are right for the job. Jersey has no such system, and relies fully on the employers' ability to recognise intelligence beyond race, class, gender, disability or sexual orientation. The trust that the people of Jersey place in their employers is admirable, and the island is indisputably a model of perfect Meritocracy. A Meritocracy under threat from political radicals and extremists.

L.A. Maison

 "Are we going to get to the point  where all
jobs have to go to black, one-armed lesbians?"